I hit a milestone in my life today. I was Awoken.
As if for the past seven years I was trapped in this deep, mystic slumber and all of a sudden, without warning, I was jolted into consciousness. If you’ve watched the movie Inception, you’ll be able to visualize better what I mean.
And the person who snapped me out of it was most unlikely. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think M would be the one who would show me the light. Albeit, in his unique way – a heady concoction of fact, concern and sarcasm. I notice that the more time I spend with this person, the more conversations I have, I respect him and his mind. Sure there are few things that annoy me like for some strange reason, I am always convinced of his opinion. And those who know me, will KNOW that accepting another perspective isn’t my biggest forte. Therefore, it annoys me. 🙂
I asked myself all night, what is it about this person/ man/ boy that makes me feel so full and afraid at the same time. WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
It’s not infatuation, it’s too early for that, it’s not love, it’s way too early for that too.
And for the first time I find myself perplexed because the only one thing that comes to my mind is RESPECT.
From the little that I know of him, ( and I’d like to get to know him more ), I’ve realized that he’s possibly one of the most solid people I’ve met in quite sometime. A lot has to do with his choice of words, really. That he stresses on one chord that strums my life into motion – honesty. I have no sympathy for dishonest people, people with unreal agendas and he seems to echo that sentiment.
Another first is that around him I find myself stuttering – stammering, my little miss chatterbox title almost imploding… my mind and brain constantly in battle, with one screeching – ” don’t sound stupid. ” and the other, “he’s prolly going to disagree, D.” But of course, I mumble and I can’t stop mumbling.
And what amazed me is that even through all my mumbling – he got me. He got what I meant and bam! woke me up.
I felt like writing him this big, long letter, telling him that just being himself saved me.
But I settled with a simple text – telling him how right he was, thanked him and that I really appreciated it.
Of course I won’t send him a letter, I’m not a psycho! 🙂 But I’m going to type it out here anyway. Because if you’ve read any of my posts, up till now, you will realize how the words MUST come out. (PS: I’m going to delete them in a day or two. Because I’m done ranting; it’s time for action!)
I doubt he will ever read this. I am not sure if I want him to either. But whatever it is, today he did for me what no one’s done in a long, long time. He gave me clarity, made me think without judging me, or so I am assuming and above all gave me honesty. It hit me in the face and I didn’t even recognize. It sucker-punched the wind out of me and I couldn’t be more great-full.
So here goes:
I do not know if you realize what a wonderful thing you’ve done for me today. In our conversation that must have lasted a little over 12 minutes, the approximate time my Gola melted, you managed to snap me out of my alternative reality. You see, a little over seven years ago, I lost the love of my life – to a tragic accident. He was everything to me, my life-source and it was as if, my life ended figuratively with him. Post that, i fell into this figurative COMA, where all I did was drifted, wondered why bother creating anything when life’s going to take it away anyway. It amazes me how much you know about me by mere conversation. Am I that transparent or are you supremely sensitive or a mysterious mind reader? Whatever it may be, I sincerely appreciate and respect that. M, I hope I get to know you better, even if it’s not romantically, but that would be nice, too 🙂 But even if that doesn’t work out, I know, I’d always want you around. The wild-child, hippie in me needs your rationality, your non-judgemental perspective. And I cannot thank you enough. I don’t have any expectations, though. Even if you don’t feel the same way and maybe to you I come across as an ignorant smurf, it’s okay 🙂 I won’t ever forget what you have done for me today. And if we ever are comfortable with each other to a point where I can share this with you, I will. 🙂
Until then, M. Please be the beacon of hope you are. I wish you well and hope you excel at whatever you put your mind or heart to.