Understanding Misunderstanding

I was raised by conflict, nurtured by violence and mother-fucker was my lullaby.
Growing up, since conflict and violence were offered to me on a silver platter at home, I shunned it in the real world. Yet, it has always found me. Or as now I understand, I have subconsciously sought it. Paradoxically, the one beautiful thing in my life I have possibly lost today is not just because of conflict but my inability to deal with it.

M.

I was living okay before M came along, but he made me realise that I can also thrive. In his unique way – a heady concoction of fact, concern, sarcasm and anger he stripped me bare and I couldn’t be more great-full. If I have ever truly lived, I think it has been with M. I apologise for this unasked for burden M but it is the truth.

Truth, another first with M. I have survived on illusions for so so long that if it wasn’t for M, I would have never known how to revel in reality.

Respect, M. You make words like love sound so fickle, so unworthy. Because I have been loved, but never respected. I don’t say the things I could or do the things I ought to do because most of the time, I’m in awe of who you have chosen to be. Your mind fascinates me and your heart humbles me. Even though you build fortress after fortress around yourself – it is admirable. It inspires me to respect myself too. Sometimes I imagine, whoever is the one who gets to walk into your castle with pride and not simply scale the walls, what treasure they would find inside.

But even after all my divine praise, you’re only human and from all your goodness, emerges the ultimate balancing act, scathing fire-like anger. I don’t know why I admire that, too. It looks like it has taken years to build and several fools like me have fortified it with their blood.

What happened today? Were we so fragile? Another illusion busted.

I wish I could make you see that with time, pain doesn’t dull, nor does sheer despair tear through, it nestles in the deepest crevice of your heart , it doesn’t rot or decay the fuller parts of your heart; it ferments, matures, understands.

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2006

Couldn’t stop thinking about you today;
the way my tummy fluttered and sighed.
Full of wonder, blushing with awe,
my eyes always found you.
But,
I don’t know the rules,
I’m always losing, always lagging behind.
I anger him, he says not more than one hour,
this atmosphere makes him uncomfortable.
You said come closer baby, this lifetime isn’t enough.
But,
It doesn’t flutter, it doesn’t fly,
it doesn’t wonder, it doesn’t want to even know why,
my withered, lonely, bastard heart always finds him.
It longs for him, it respects him, it loves him.

You sold me an illusion, I paid in full.
He gifted reality, I’m eternally indebted.

Today I learnt that

After A While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

  ~ 1971, Veronica A. Shoffstall

Let’s talk.

I’m tired. I don’t want to rant today; just maybe talk, just a little.
Just maybe share a joke, laugh, just a little.
Tell me about your day, let’s share little snippets of our lives.
Only if you’d like to, of course.
It’s fading away, unfortunately.
I don’t know how much time we have.
Martyr? I don’t have the confidence to be.
Hero? I’m too much of a coward.
When I met you, I was trying on a new suit.
When she sold it to me, she said you’d be invincible.
Like they’d do for a spell, I peddled away my ‘self’ for it.
And then there arrived you.
I thought you were just how she described you.
Just as arrogant as he said you were.
Just as cold as she said you’d feel.
Just as distant as they seemed to agree.
But you made me laugh,
I soon learnt it wasn’t an anomaly.
But you were so selfless,
not just once but every single time.

Why do you feel so safe?
It scares me.
Sometimes I want to believe them.
Why do the shards of my rusted heart magnetically unite when they see your face?
I’m petrified. I’m confused. I am free.
I don’t want to rant today; just maybe talk, just a little.