I was raised by conflict, nurtured by violence and mother-fucker was my lullaby.
Growing up, since conflict and violence were offered to me on a silver platter at home, I shunned it in the real world. Yet, it has always found me. Or as now I understand, I have subconsciously sought it. Paradoxically, the one beautiful thing in my life I have possibly lost today is not just because of conflict but my inability to deal with it.
I was living okay before M came along, but he made me realise that I can also thrive. In his unique way – a heady concoction of fact, concern, sarcasm and anger he stripped me bare and I couldn’t be more great-full. If I have ever truly lived, I think it has been with M. I apologise for this unasked for burden M but it is the truth.
Truth, another first with M. I have survived on illusions for so so long that if it wasn’t for M, I would have never known how to revel in reality.
Respect, M. You make words like love sound so fickle, so unworthy. Because I have been loved, but never respected. I don’t say the things I could or do the things I ought to do because most of the time, I’m in awe of who you have chosen to be. Your mind fascinates me and your heart humbles me. Even though you build fortress after fortress around yourself – it is admirable. It inspires me to respect myself too. Sometimes I imagine, whoever is the one who gets to walk into your castle with pride and not simply scale the walls, what treasure they would find inside.
But even after all my divine praise, you’re only human and from all your goodness, emerges the ultimate balancing act, scathing fire-like anger. I don’t know why I admire that, too. It looks like it has taken years to build and several fools like me have fortified it with their blood.
What happened today? Were we so fragile? Another illusion busted.
I wish I could make you see that with time, pain doesn’t dull, nor does sheer despair tear through, it nestles in the deepest crevice of your heart , it doesn’t rot or decay the fuller parts of your heart; it ferments, matures, understands.