I reek.

I finally understood how he could have figured out despite me not saying a word to him about my personal life. I discovered I reek of jealously; with every single vein. While I sat there alone week after week with cold jelly+contraptions smeared on, inserted in me, in places I didn’t know had any sensation, She walks in with him – radiant. she has hardly a few months or tops a year to live, yet she is glowing. she is almost all bones, her twenty-nine year old skin looks decades older, but she’s beautiful. And there I am, always, burning, wishing I was this dying woman. While I get slapped and spit on, hit, called a whore, abused physically and emotionally and accused of things that have never crossed my mind by the one person I want to live for, she gets loved. And loved and loved. And I wonder what did I do or not do? even though all I’ve felt is true. And then my mind wanders off and thinks well he (radiologist) probably sees hundreds like me live and die. again, I’m left feeling significantly insignificant.

right wrongs and wrong rights

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” ―Andrew Boyd. 

I had written this in my diary and truly lived by it. Believed it. Sold my soul to M for it. But i realized rather foolishly that Mr Boyd, you haven’t met M. You haven’t met M. You haven’t met M.

it’s time.

i really didn’t know how I would react when I’d become aware of my own mortality. Think I was so hurt, scared and alone, that when it finally hit me, strangely all the pain seemed to cushion the impact.

Another interesting thing that has happened is that this awareness has inadvertently turned out to be one big sieve. Although I often have my bad days, the sieve seems to be sifting through all of my fears, insecurities, cowards ( was quite surprised here ), weakness and weaklings, abuser, hallucinations and is leaving behind the good, love and an amazing, amazing support system full of stength. It’s amazing how many honest hugs, I love you’s and laughter have/ has been exchanged the past couple of days compared to being told by the one person I love that they want to consciously throw me out of a moving vehicle. I think that thought by M has hurt me deeper than any physical bruises that would occur or even possibly death.

Congratulations M.

I always thought I would spending time with people who I love but I realize that what’s more important is people who love me too. To whom I matter no matter what.

It has helped me put my heart into perspective. And I’m greatful.

More shoulders. No fists. No one loves me unconditionally apart from my mom. But no one spits on me. Humiliates me or treats me like a punching bag. Everyone can see and call out my feet of clay and I can see theirs and we respect that. No one chooses to hurt me or punish me.

Why did it take me so long to see this.

Do I have regrets? Yes!

One day at a time. I am afraid but hey, what more does one have to lose?

And hey, it’s okay to be Me. It’s okay for me to breathe. More importantly it’s safe. And this time, I’m not even convincing myself.

Sia.

I have always loved the name Sia. If I ever have a daughter, and I hope one day I will. She will be called Sia, if I have complete freedom to pick her name and name her. Sia, you’re named after the writer of songs that saved your mother to be alive enough to hold you in her arms. Your name carries strength. And I hope one day I can say this to you in person. From today, I am going to put all my energies to live for you. All my choices will be made for you.  Today I am at my weakest. And you’re giving me strength. I love you. I will live.