i really didn’t know how I would react when I’d become aware of my own mortality. Think I was so hurt, scared and alone, that when it finally hit me, strangely all the pain seemed to cushion the impact.
Another interesting thing that has happened is that this awareness has inadvertently turned out to be one big sieve. Although I often have my bad days, the sieve seems to be sifting through all of my fears, insecurities, cowards ( was quite surprised here ), weakness and weaklings, abuser, hallucinations and is leaving behind the good, love and an amazing, amazing support system full of stength. It’s amazing how many honest hugs, I love you’s and laughter have/ has been exchanged the past couple of days compared to being told by the one person I love that they want to consciously throw me out of a moving vehicle. I think that thought by M has hurt me deeper than any physical bruises that would occur or even possibly death.
I always thought I would spending time with people who I love but I realize that what’s more important is people who love me too. To whom I matter no matter what.
It has helped me put my heart into perspective. And I’m greatful.
More shoulders. No fists. No one loves me unconditionally apart from my mom. But no one spits on me. Humiliates me or treats me like a punching bag. Everyone can see and call out my feet of clay and I can see theirs and we respect that. No one chooses to hurt me or punish me.
Why did it take me so long to see this.
Do I have regrets? Yes!
One day at a time. I am afraid but hey, what more does one have to lose?
And hey, it’s okay to be Me. It’s okay for me to breathe. More importantly it’s safe. And this time, I’m not even convincing myself.