I reek.

I finally understood how he could have figured out despite me not saying a word to him about my personal life. I discovered I reek of jealously; with every single vein. While I sat there alone week after week with cold jelly+contraptions smeared on, inserted in me, in places I didn’t know had any sensation, She walks in with him – radiant. she has hardly a few months or tops a year to live, yet she is glowing. she is almost all bones, her twenty-nine year old skin looks decades older, but she’s beautiful. And there I am, always, burning, wishing I was this dying woman. While I get slapped and spit on, hit, called a whore, abused physically and emotionally and accused of things that have never crossed my mind by the one person I want to live for, she gets loved. And loved and loved. And I wonder what did I do or not do? even though all I’ve felt is true. And then my mind wanders off and thinks well he (radiologist) probably sees hundreds like me live and die. again, I’m left feeling significantly insignificant.

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