bitch.

For the fifth time this month
you say you’re going to leave
he calls you a cunt over the phone, in person
then walks the three miles to your house
and kisses your mouth until the word is just
a place on your body.
I don’t know what brings broken people together
maybe damage seeks out damage
the way stains on a mattress halo into one another
the way stains on a mattress bleed into each other.

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weak?

“Loving someone who cannot love you the same way in return is not weakness. It’s one of the most courageous things you’ll ever do. You are putting your armour at their feet and you are saying “I will not fight you in this. I have loved you and that means that I have already won”

underneath this skin there’s a human

it’s true, you do have the ability to kill me. it’s a risk i consciously chose.
Maybe it’s a problem – no, masochism isn’t my thing. quite the opposite, really.

I do not expect you or anyone to ever understand how much it is that I love you. why despite the hurt and humiliation – ( yes, i deserve it sometimes, don’t kid yourself into thinking that it’s all the time. ) i’m still here.
You always look for action – like me losing weight or spending less, sure if that’s how you want to measure it. I know I’d come under a bus if it meant you live.

You scoff. You don’t believe it. But what is it that you don’t believe, truly? That despite everything, I’m still here. You call me a gold-digger. Please tell me, why am I broke then. Don’t gold diggers, dig and hoard?
I’ve actually considered that will me dying in some way prove to you that I love you? Remember you asked me about suicide once? I still believe that it takes immense courage. No, I’m not a coward, I’d just like to love you, live with you a little while longer. Yesterday, once you remove yourself from the situation, and by you I mean your pride that took a beating, you will see that my actions were justified. It was an accident, a crisis and as usual, at those times, your first reaction was to run.

Sometimes I think your violence is all the hurt that’s trapped in you and it needs to vent and one day it will go away. I’ve always believed love is stronger – notice how i didn’t write greater?
Maybe I wont be the last person you think of, but to me, you are the first and last. When I wake up in the morning, I look towards your window and say Good Morning Pooka, or Good Morning M and then look at the peacock at the tower and say – keep us safe, keep us happy.
last afternoon, you walked into the house ready for battle, ready for a showdown.
like you may never understand my love, i will never understand your hate.
but you’re killing me, every day. punishing me for sins some of which I know are mine, some of which I know and YOU too, that aren’t mine.

Woken up like an animal
Teeth ready for sinking
My mind’s lost in bleak visions
I’ve tried to escape but keep sinking

Limbs lost to a dead weight stake
Skull cage like a prison
And he’s lost faith he’ll ever see again
So may he once thought of me then

Underneath the skin there’s a human
Buried deep within there’s a human
And despite everything I’m still human
But I think I’m dying here

Woken up like an animal
I’m all ready for healing
My mind’s lost with nightmares streaming
Woken up (kicking screaming)

Take me out of this place I’m in
Break me out of this shell-like case I’m in

Underneath the skin there’s a human
Buried deep within there’s a human
And despite everything I’m still human

there’s love, why do you always focus on the other shoe, waiting for it to drop.

time machine

you asked me today if i could have access to a time machine and i said yes.

sometimes, i think, for the past ten years, you’ve been right here next to me. as you say, less than 100 meters away. everything i was praying for, searching for – in front of me all along.

if a time machine could take me back to a time when we could have loved each other without the past that each of us brings to the table.

but my real answer is no.

i dont want a time machine.

everything ive done good and bad has led me to you.

despite all our pain, the scars that we carry, the darkness that follows us,

we are here. we are in love – most of the time 🙂

and i wouldnt want it any other way.

if i die tonight, i want you to know i love you with every single vein.

no matter what the future brings.

you my love are who im living for.