+

At the cafe:

You were so agitated; so closed;

You didn’t want to be there.

You were determined not to be there.

You decided to punish me for being there.

You said I dragged you there.

I took it all. I had faith.

But I was so nervous. I told you, too.

My heart was pounding.

You began playing with your keys on the table.

Demonstrating your disappointment.

You didn’t even look at me once.

My heart sank deep into my chest.

I could see, feel, sense the anger build up.

My heart began to race.

I glanced the menu over and over again.

And ordered what I thought was best.

You continued to flip your keys.

“Never speak of coming here again,”  You said.

“Be open, at least try,” I said.

It got you angrier.

I apologised.

You refused to look at me.

The food came.

I took a bite, you followed, reluctantly.

You took another, then another.

You smiled.

And I said to myself – there he is.

I felt relief washing over my body.

You began talking to me.

Smiling widely.

All I could see was you. Happy.

My faith restored in faith itself.

And how we laughed.

You were content.

We came home.

Chatted a while.

You texted I love you.

I immediately felt blessed.

And I thought to myself –

Today was symbolic of  our relationship.

All these years,

You’ve been afraid –

For tomorrow, for now, for yesterday.

It struck me –

If I continue to do what I did today.

Ride wave after wave of your fear – fearlessly,

Maybe then.

You’ll smile. And see that we are happy.

All you had to do was try.

I’m sure, the wait will be worth it.

You just need time.

Papa, I love you too. Every inch of you.

IMG_3345

Advertisements

My Womb Has No Place For You

My womb has no place for you.
I forbid you from dividing, multiplying –
Plundering and pillaging my blood to bring yourself to life.
Unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
You shall have no name.
The walls and linings that you grab to protect yourself – belong to me, they are me and always will be.
Don’t call me mother, fiend.
Unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
Your fingers will never form a fist.
Blessed is the earth,
Spared form nurturing such spawn.
Because it can. Because it is expected to. Because it has been forced to.
Unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
Your story will never begin.

But unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,

You have half of my heart. You have half of my Soul.

And unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
I promise every inch of you will be loved. Not just the parts I like, the parts I want or the parts I think I should. All of You.

I will wrap my body around you like armor. Lay down my life for You, if I have to.
And unlike your father, grandfather and those before him – Your fingers will be open.

you will live, you will thrive.
Because unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
You are Free to be whoever you want to be.

Breathe. Be.

Baby.