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Love of My Life,

“the wound is the place where the Light enters you.”  Don’t block it. Set it free.

My love, why do you fear? What do you fear?

“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.”

 

stop searching. Let love come to you. Let it be mesmerized by you, the way I was once, the way I am still. Only this time, let love befriend you. Do not put it to the test. For it has already been tested by time – it’s broken hearts, suffered loss and failure. But even after all that, it has had the strength to Love You. Please be kind. Please don’t let go. And if you have to, let it go to come back to you, stronger.

And just in case love doesn’t find you, just

Look inside you, and I’m right there.

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

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Remembrance

 

 

You’re probably opening your eyes right now or maybe not.

If I close my eyes,

I know exactly what they look like.

I know exactly what they feel like.

Right now, like most of the time,

They’re probably tired, red.

From staring at screens or reading.

But still beautiful and brown.

So expressive that they always give you away.

But now they’re probably red for other reasons, too.

New love always has sleepless nights.

I remember ours like it was yesterday.

Of trying and failing –

To tear my gaze from you,

Catching glances of you and smiling –

As I walked from the Fridge to the Kitchen.

Making you a sandwich or pasta at 3 in the morning.

Or those late night conversations,

Hanging on to every letter you typed.

Or those many sleepovers,

Refusing to get out of bed until lunchtime,

Staying wrapped in your warm arms just a few minutes longer

So that I could remember that feeling throughout the day –

Of an uncorruptted, raw connection,

Holding each other through the night.

And It’s happening again.

But this time, it’s not with Me.

I convinced myself;

It wouldn’t matter.

Our love was strong.

But I couldn’t help but stay awake –

While your body touched mine.

Wondering,

If in the warm nest of our bodies,

You were still thinking of someone else.

You’re right when you said I’m a piece of shit.

I was so in love with you –

I convinced myself it didn’t matter.

Until it did.

A text, phone-call and then another,

When you touched me,

To Hit or to Hold,

I wanted to scream.

For joy and rage at the same time.

Wondering what would you now possibly want from me  –

Your world has always remained under lock and key.

I felt each hurt, each insult fire through my throat,

But I didn’t let it escape.

I shoved each one back down ,

Just the way you taught me.

I even stitched them up, deep inside me.

Evidently, I didn’t do a good job.

Because They bled,

Night after night,

Oozing Onto spaces that I once called Home.

Your face, Your hands, Your Voice.

Bleeding profusely, as each curse ripped me apart.

But still,

I drenched myself in each of your curses,

Soaked every last drop.

Because, my love, Curses, were the only thing you ever gave me unconditionally.

Curses, the only thing I could ever call Mine.

But now,

As you effortlessly said your heart belongs to a complete stranger,

A stranger with whom you felt a “connection,”

A stranger, who lives our life through your eyes,

A stranger, with whom you continually choose to share our life without my consent,

One can’t help but wonder,

How are they okay with being part of our story?

How are they okay about knowing your violence?

Could they now also be your accomplice?

I can only imagine,

If I was there –

You would kick, You would scream.

You’d fight for their innocence,

You’d find me guilty.

You’d bless them with the same passion with which you curse me.

Because My existence to you is flawed,

A mistake. An irrelevant abnormality.

It doesn’t matter that I love you.

it matters I obey you.

It does not matter that I adore you.

it matters that I serve you.

Over the past year,

As you grow tired of my appearance,

It seems You’ve chosen to eliminate every happy memory.

Every warm feeling,

Perhaps to enjoy the moistness a stranger brings.

 

I give up.

Do not ask of me,

To see you fall in love with another.

It’s a strength I never had, a strength I never will.

I hope this body fulfills for you,

Everything my body fell-short of.

I still remember the way you screamed,

When I barely sat on your lap to hug you.

But I also hope this is your greatest love,

The love you told me repeatedly that I’ll never be.

I hope this is what you’ve been looking for.

So then, I also hope, your hands never form a fist.

That you will nurture this love with the same passion that you destroyed us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then

 

For all the hypothetical verses you throw my way, here’s one for you.

 

If I had a rupee for every time my heart skipped a beat when you were around, I would be a billionaire – would you respect me then?

If I lost a kilo for every time you made me laugh, smile and beam with pride, I would be skinny and ‘hot’ just the way you say you like it – would you stop hitting me then?

As a richer, skinny woman, If I stopped shivering around your rage out of fear, every time I disagree with you,  I would be able to be ruthlessly honest with you, I would be a woman with an opinion, with money, an equal, would you love me then?

I don’t know, I haven’t seen tomorrow but I’ve seen yesterday and I’m living today.

And if it’s worth anything at all,

I loved you yesterday, I love you today and looking at the progression here it seems I will love you tomorrow, too. You’ve got everything you wanted my King.

Now, then, what would you do ?

Nothing. Life will be the same.

Because I wish you could love you the way I do,

you’d see that the only lonely heart here is you.

I love us enough for me, enough for you.

But unless my love, you love you like I do,

The world could offer you it’s soul,

Yet it won’t be good enough for you.

 

Evicted.

Someday,

when your youth is no longer thirsty,

As you nestle into bed,

after a long, hard day,

and you turn to your left,

I hope You think of Me.

Of the space between your shoulder and the pillow,

The one I called Home.

The only calm I ever had –

The only calm I ever sought.

I’d picked out rings, the flowers and my dress,

When I learnt I was being evicted.

I will never understand why,

I wont ever understand how,

In a heartbeat, maybe three,

My Home was now Hers.

But You stood there beautifully,

Now many miles between us.

Calmer than You’ve ever been,

You said howling wasn’t necessary.

For you were a luxury I could never afford.