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Love of My Life,

“the wound is the place where the Light enters you.”  Don’t block it. Set it free.

My love, why do you fear? What do you fear?

“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.”

 

stop searching. Let love come to you. Let it be mesmerized by you, the way I was once, the way I am still. Only this time, let love befriend you. Do not put it to the test. For it has already been tested by time – it’s broken hearts, suffered loss and failure. But even after all that, it has had the strength to Love You. Please be kind. Please don’t let go. And if you have to, let it go to come back to you, stronger.

And just in case love doesn’t find you, just

Look inside you, and I’m right there.

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

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Remembrance

You’re probably opening your eyes right now or maybe not.

If I close my eyes,

I know exactly what they look like.

I know exactly what they feel like.

Right now, like most of the time,

They’re probably tired, red.

From staring at screens or reading.

But still beautiful and brown.

So expressive that they always give you away.

But now they’re probably red for other reasons, too.

New love always has sleepless nights.

I remember ours like it was yesterday.

Of trying and failing –

To tear my gaze from you,

Catching glances of you and smiling –

As I walked from the Fridge to the Kitchen.

Making you a sandwich or pasta at 3 in the morning.

Or those late night conversations,

Hanging on to every letter you typed.

Or those many sleepovers,

Refusing to get out of bed until lunchtime,

Staying wrapped in your warm arms just a few minutes longer

So that I could remember that feeling throughout the day –

Of an uncorruptted, raw connection,

Holding each other through the night.

And It’s happening again.

But this time, it’s not with Me.

I convinced myself;

It wouldn’t matter.

Our love was strong.

But I couldn’t help but stay awake –

While your body touched mine.

Wondering,

If in the warm nest of our bodies,

You were still thinking of someone else.

You’re right when you said I’m a piece of shit.

I was so in love with you –

I convinced myself it didn’t matter.

Until it did.

A text, phone-call and then another,

When you touched me,

To Hit or to Hold,

I wanted to scream.

For joy and rage at the same time.

Wondering what would you now possibly want from me  –

Your world has always remained under lock and key.

I felt each hurt, each insult fire through my throat,

But I didn’t let it escape.

I shoved each one back down ,

Just the way you taught me.

I even stitched them up, deep inside me.

Evidently, I didn’t do a good job.

Because They bled,

Night after night,

Oozing Onto spaces that I once called Home.

Your face, Your hands, Your Voice.

Bleeding profusely, as each curse ripped me apart.

But still,

I drenched myself in each of your curses,

Soaked every last drop.

Because, my love, Curses, were the only thing you ever gave me unconditionally.

Curses, the only thing I could ever call Mine.

But now,

As you effortlessly said your heart belongs to a complete stranger,

A stranger with whom you felt a “connection,”

A stranger, who lives our life through your eyes,

A stranger, with whom you continually choose to share our life without my consent,

One can’t help but wonder,

How are they okay with being part of our story?

How are they okay about knowing your violence?

Could they now also be your accomplice?

I can only imagine,

If I was there –

You would kick, You would scream.

You’d fight for their innocence,

You’d find me guilty.

You’d bless them with the same passion with which you curse me.

Because My existence to you is flawed,

A mistake. An irrelevant abnormality.

It doesn’t matter that I love you.

it matters I obey you.

It does not matter that I adore you.

it matters that I serve you.

Over the past year,

As you grow tired of my appearance,

It seems You’ve chosen to eliminate every happy memory.

Every warm feeling,

Perhaps to enjoy the moistness a stranger brings.

 

I give up.

Do not ask of me,

To see you fall in love with another.

It’s a strength I never had, a strength I never will.

I hope this body fulfills for you,

Everything my body fell-short of.

I still remember the way you screamed,

When I barely sat on your lap to hug you.

But I also hope this is your greatest love,

The love you told me repeatedly that I’ll never be.

I hope this is what you’ve been looking for.

So then, I also hope, your hands never form a fist.

That you will nurture this love with the same passion that you destroyed us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Evicted.

Someday,

when your youth is no longer thirsty,

As you nestle into bed,

after a long, hard day,

and you turn to your left,

I hope You think of Me.

Of the space between your shoulder and the pillow,

The one I called Home.

The only calm I ever had –

The only calm I ever sought.

I’d picked out rings, the flowers and my dress,

When I learnt I was being evicted.

I will never understand why,

I wont ever understand how,

In a heartbeat, maybe three,

My Home was now Hers.

But You stood there beautifully,

Now many miles between us.

Calmer than You’ve ever been,

You said howling wasn’t necessary.

For you were a luxury I could never afford.

 

 

 

Where does it end?

IMG_6248.JPGExactly One Saturday ago, I couldn’t sleep.

My heart was restless.

You’d only left to go home across the road,

But I just couldn’t deal with it.

It was around 2am when you called.

Your voice made me somersault,

Many times over.

If I could, I would’ve married you right There.

Earlier that day, evening and night,

Were truly the best of my life.

Up until that Friday,

There wasn’t a single being –

Human or Animal,

Who made me feel so incredibly Whole.

I thanked God with every word I know.

And While I massaged your body,

As clichèd as it may sound,

I touched my head to your feet.

I had your answer.

To be your wife.

To carry your name, to nourish your every need.

All our doubts subsided in your arms.

And You showed me what I thought I’d lost.

Your tenderness, your kind heart.

Witty, Handsome, Strong.

The very things I fell in love with you for,

I’d decided; it was done.

But Little did I know,

That This was in fact the same old dance,

Only this time, to a different tune.

And like clockwork, at the beat,

Saturday arrived.

And you turned cold,

Typically Familiar.

Yet, Warmed by the incredible Love

We shared just the day before,

I Began selling to myself –

My fault, I “don’t know how to talk.”

My fault, I “don’t know what to talk.”

I agreed with you; And Your storm disappeared.

We sailed through the day and then another.

“Ambitious Bitch”

Little did I know,

Tuesday evening Would bring with it

Your summer storm so strong,

That The first time you struck my face,

I wanted to scream.

More, when you grabbed my face.

Your fingernails dug deep.

My face still sore from the many times

You bit me while making love.

The first time you spat at me,

it carried with it,

the fragrance of your lips,

But stung like acid.

For 3 hours,

My heart bled.

Run over each time you –

slapped me.

burnt each time you –

spat at me,

Crumbled  each time I –

saw the lips that

kissed me so tenderly,

call me a whore, cunt, ambitious bitch.

We died.

Each time you humiliated our love in full public view.

Girls dream of walking hand-in-hand with the Love of their Life.

Of being held, protected, loved.

I just stood there, outside a busy shop, on a busy street.

As you spat at me, dug deep into my face, afraid, detested by you.

Am I wrong when I said

You strung me along ?

When just two days before then,

you led me to believe, led us to believe,

You loved me, You loved us.

As you humiliated me,

Did you once think of how much we laughed?

Did you once think of how much we hugged?

Did you once think of how happy we were?

Did you once think of anyone but yourself?

Did you think of us?

Of the life we built?

But Do you ever think of us?

You spat at me, as you proceeded to

berate my family, upheld yours.

You hit me, as you proceeded to

shame me, my body, my past loves.

You spat at me again, as you proceeded to

show me my place, how hurt you are.

You spat at me again, as you proceeded to

accuse me of dishonoring

Your parents, Your money, Your dreams,

Your house, Your life, Your image of what You want me to be.

And all I could think to myself was –

How do I love this man ?

Broken, I’ve realized,

For you to begin, I must end.

And end I did.

May those you love, never make you feel as insignificant

As You ensure I do.

And may God bless you abundantly.

So that one day, the man I love,

The man from that Friday,

Forever consumes You.

I have made peace,

That my love is Weak.

My love is Unlucky.

But at the same time,

I feel blessed.

For that one Friday in Five Years.

Where I can be proud of you, of us.

That I truly did fall in love with

a tender, loving man

who is never afraid to speak his mind.

But now I’m tired.

I’m broken.

Dear man I love from that one Friday in Five years,

If ever you read this,

I have one question to ask you,

When does this end so that I may begin?

Whore

The oars are heavy,
I push along,
The old boat is weak –
Waves are strong.
The dark is thick,
I remember his song –
“Whore”
Five years ago,
I couldn’t be wrong –
Raven hair, swept back,
His shoulders long.
My heart beat fast,
His Lips, Warm.
“Whore”
At first, he screamed,
It Made me shudder,
I turned to walk,
He cursed my mother.
Arms spread wide,
Then came another –
“Whore”
The wood cuts deep,
Deep into my palm,
The waves begin to soften,
The sea begins to calm.
Black is now light,
And I’m almost ashore.
Just as I’m about to breathe,
I see him standing there –
Greeting me –
“Whore”

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“Yesterday Was Hard On All Of Us” – Fink

Where do we go from here?
Where do we go?
And is it real or just
Something we think we know?

Where are we going now?
Where do we go?
Cause if it’s the same as yesterday
You know I’m out, just so you know
Because, because
Our paths, they cross
Yesterday was hard
On all of us
On all of us

Who can we trust from here?
Who can we trust?
And are you real, or just
Something from wanderlust?

Who can you trust my dear sweet flower?
Who can you trust?
From cradle to grave, from ashes to ashes
From dust to dust
Because, because
Our paths, they cross
Yesterday was hard
On all of us
On all of us

Where do we go from here?
Where do we go?
And we got nothing we can trust
And nothing we can’t sell, that’s for sure

And how do we get out?
How do we move around with all these eyes on us?
Tell you what, you go first
It’s almost like it’s kind of rehearsed
Because, because
Our paths, they cross
Yesterday was hard
On all of us
On all of us