Some days I feel it.

Through my hair. Around my waist.

Some days I hear it.

Roaring laughter.

Some days I see it.

Forced smiles and empty waves.

Some Days I smell it.

Fragrant, Nostalgic, Safe.

Some days I fear it.

Snarling, ready to smite.

Today I finally understand it.

As I frantically tried to piece it together.

It cut. It bled.

Why won’t it even matter to him if I am dead?

.

the fact is that only I know the full magnitude of what you are going through. But that does not mean you treat me like shit knowing that no matter what happens i am always there for you. I understand we all show love and concern in different ways. Shouting and sarcasm maybe yours but why abuse? I am not disobeying you or undermining your authority by disconnecting the phone. It’s unfortunate that you feel that way. I wish god takes all the love I have for you and only gives you happiness. But please don’t shower me with negativity and abuse like you have today. I have a long way to go, if you cannot be by my side, that’s perfectly fine. But don’t try and cut my legs, too? Take care pooch. i really wish one day you will see that you have never had and never will have anything to fear.

For a change

It seems like this is a vent-vault of all our negativity.
Of all my insecurities with us and a few of yours too.

But for a change, I’d like to write about the good stuff, because no matter how much we try to look at the wrong side of this relationship, the good isn’t just good, it’s great.

I loved this house, I love it more. I love how the universe works. How you and me, complete strangers 10 years ago, were somehow placed in the same vicinity of each other. Each living our independent lives, oblivious of the fact that one day our paths will cross and for a while or maybe more – be the same.
I wake up every morning and like clockwork – go to the kitchen, open up the windows, grab a glass of water and look at your bedroom window – whisper good morning, i love you and begin my day. It doesn’t matter if you’re physically there or not, it’s my ritual and at the risk of sounding nuts – my prayer.

I love that 4 years and some months later, my heart and tummy still somersault the first time I see you in the day – even if we’ve been lying down next to each other the whole night.

Science may scream Oxytocin but I beg to differ science, it’s love. You’ll know when you have what I do – a handsome, strong, part-wolf, part-bear, part-eagle, part-lion, part-warrior of a man. You’ll agree with me when this man, deep asleep, subconsciously looks for you in his bed, pulls you closer, tight and kisses whatever body part of you he finds and lets out a warm breath of satisfaction. Don’t even think about getting near my man, Science.

I love you proving me wrong, I love how your eyes fire up passionately when you know you’ve got something on me/you know you’re right/ you’ve won.

Sometimes, when we’re doing routine things – buying groceries, watching tv, reading, cooking or doing chores, I catch myself praying – like I am the luckiest woman on the planet.

I love how intense you are – although it does come to bite me often, but it also bites me in the sexiest ways.

I love how you grab all of me, pin me down and thrust into me, announcing to the universe that in that moment my body is your ship, my captain.

I love how much children, dogs and innocent things are attracted to you and how much at ease you are with them. I love your conversations.

I love how much you stick to your guns – at the risk of me being shot now and then yes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love every contour of your face, your body – the warmth of your breath, your voice, your being. I love how hard you get inside me. I love how my body is always warm and ready for you.

I love how much you make me smile – but I love even more how much you make me laugh!

I love the many curves and angles that make up your body, my hands and fingers make maps and memorize every line, hair, fold and muscle.

I love how your eyes gaze into me when you’re about to orgasm – you look me right in the eye and that’s where I will, we will always, always prove science Wrong.

I know you’re afraid – so am I but please don’t let the fear of tomorrow trample upon the good that is today. While I write this, you are fast asleep in the room next door. And I am writing this and praying, praying that may most of our days be like today – full of love, peace and immense joy.

If I could rewrite your past, I would. Even if it meant you and I probably wouldn’t have met. I love you – Happy New Year, my Universe.

I hope this year is yours – I hope this year, you get to move forward – and don’t you worry about anything at all, I’ve got your back. I always will.

 

 

 

Thanksgiving

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May he have complete, fearless and soul-satisfying understanding of what he wants to do in his life. May he always live with honour and may he continually do good, kind things for others like he has done for us, selflessly. But most importantly may he learn to accept and be kind to himself. To do this, may he learn to know himself, better. May he find peace.

I pray He will be strengthened and nourished with all the goodness that life has to offer and at the same time have all the patience and endurance when he is called upon to take life’s disappointments head on.

may you guide and guard his fearless and strong heart.

May he always be filled with joy.

May worries never occupy his mind, only knowledge, wisdom, courage.

I thank you for bringing him into our lives. For all he has done and continues to do for us, May his days be illuminated with your grace.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Love.

I choose to believe that no matter how our fears try to twist our reality and no matter how much we try and hurt each other through words and actions, that at the core of all our confusion, pain and misunderstanding, we care very deeply about each other. From my perspective, underneath all the temper, I have seen that man, he is good, he is there and I think it’s difficult for me not to love him. But violence makes it difficult to respect him.  Of course I am no angel, I have my own share of faults, they trigger the anger but that’s not an excuse to be abusive. Of course I find it difficult to stay away when your voice keeps me going.  Of course I will want to make it work, whichever way I can. I also choose to believe that you don’t know what you don’t know. Didn’t need and don’t need Anything laced in rituals to know you are our family. We miss you, whenever the bell rings in a particular way, we hope it’s you. Anyway, we will continue to pray that you’re okay and are well. Hugs.  Always.

 

You never said you were 9/11
Even though I always felt that
There was something destructive about you

I could tell
From the way you spoke about things you loved,
Such as mornings and coffee and confident women

The first time I saw you
It hit me like a lightning
That you were going to wreck me so bad
I’d be irreparable
And that, there,
Was my only dream: to be wrecked by you,
For you were such an immense force
Driven by will power and the fear of being alone
You so often talked about

You never said you were 9/11
But you knew it
I could tell from the spark in your eyes
When you chose to watch that 60s tv show all over again
Just because you grew attached to it
And it kind of gave you the feeling of home

You never feared death or loss
And that’s how I knew
You hoped no one else did;
But somehow I could tell by
The way your hands shook that day
That you were going to face your worst fears in this world:
Loneliness and despair and broken coffee machines
And crying children and tomb stones and being forgotten

You never thought 9/11 would ever occur
I must admit I envied you for that-
9/11 was always on my mind
And you were so moody
I couldn’t tell whether you’d leave me
or beg me to stay

But, honey,
9/11 did occur and it was worse
than anything ever happened
Because it involved you being mistaken
About such a terrifying thing
As destroying a lover.

9/11 did happen
I didn’t make it all up just to win our bet
Of who’s going to end the world

…. But you horribly did that day:
You were the plane
And I was World Trade Center
collapsing at your feet-
You tore us both apart

And that’s why you never believed in 9/11
You never believed in your goddamn self,
Only I did.

– Vlada Bunescu