At the cafe:

You were so agitated; so closed;

You didn’t want to be there.

You were determined not to be there.

You decided to punish me for being there.

You said I dragged you there.

I took it all. I had faith.

But I was so nervous. I told you, too.

My heart was pounding.

You began playing with your keys on the table.

Demonstrating your disappointment.

You didn’t even look at me once.

My heart sank deep into my chest.

I could see, feel, sense the anger build up.

My heart began to race.

I glanced the menu over and over again.

And ordered what I thought was best.

You continued to flip your keys.

“Never speak of coming here again,”  You said.

“Be open, at least try,” I said.

It got you angrier.

I apologised.

You refused to look at me.

The food came.

I took a bite, you followed, reluctantly.

You took another, then another.

You smiled.

And I said to myself – there he is.

I felt relief washing over my body.

You began talking to me.

Smiling widely.

All I could see was you. Happy.

My faith restored in faith itself.

And how we laughed.

You were content.

We came home.

Chatted a while.

You texted I love you.

I immediately felt blessed.

And I thought to myself –

Today was symbolic of  our relationship.

All these years,

You’ve been afraid –

For tomorrow, for now, for yesterday.

It struck me –

If I continue to do what I did today.

Ride wave after wave of your fear – fearlessly,

Maybe then.

You’ll smile. And see that we are happy.

All you had to do was try.

I’m sure, the wait will be worth it.

You just need time.

Papa, I love you too. Every inch of you.



My Womb Has No Place For You

My womb has no place for you.
I forbid you from dividing, multiplying –
Plundering and pillaging my blood to bring yourself to life.
Unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
You shall have no name.
The walls and linings that you grab to protect yourself – belong to me, they are me and always will be.
Don’t call me mother, fiend.
Unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
Your fingers will never form a fist.
Blessed is the earth,
Spared form nurturing such spawn.
Because it can. Because it is expected to. Because it has been forced to.
Unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
Your story will never begin.

But unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,

You have half of my heart. You have half of my Soul.

And unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
I promise every inch of you will be loved. Not just the parts I like, the parts I want or the parts I think I should. All of You.

I will wrap my body around you like armor. Lay down my life for You, if I have to.
And unlike your father, grandfather and those before him – Your fingers will be open.

you will live, you will thrive.
Because unlike your father, grandfather and those before him,
You are Free to be whoever you want to be.

Breathe. Be.


I’m going against all better judgement and typing this: M,  I’ve truly done my best; played by all your rules; done everything you’ve asked me to. Savings, gym, grace – i’ve pushed, pulled and twisted my body to your preferences – Yet the past month and some you’ve been relentless in your constant devaluation and discard. Four years ago, i never imgained feeling what i do today. To deliberately make someone feel small and insignificant is a skill i never imagined you would ever have. You were my rock, my upholder of truth;  in my eyes I was the wretched one but you my love, could make a mistake but do no wrong. I’m grateful for every minuscule thing you’ve done for me, baby and my family but  i fail to understand the hatred you have for us now, when all we did was open up our home, life and heart to you. You have no idea, the strength it took for me to pull baby away from you that evening, to accept that this is not the man who loves us but merely someone who looks like him. Because if he loves us and wants to protect us, why then would he want to smash our heads to pieces?

who are you? And what have you done to the man of our house? Sometimes, i wish you were an addict. That way it would be less confusing and I could have something to blame for your abusive behaviour. I may be the worst human being on the planet but that still does not justify the abuse you have put me through- consciously.

I cannot belive you did it. You beat all our love out of me. You won. So now, May you find what you’re looking for Papa Bear. It’s cold outside, keep your chest warm, rub vicks on your feet.

Money cant buy you, you.

“Make all the money you want. Eat at all the fancy restaurants you choose, that i can apparently never afford. Sleep with all the ‘thin’ and ‘hot’ women ” you want. Money will never buy you a new you. Money will never buy you a new past. Money will never change the fact that you are a habitual abuser M. Not even “spare change.”

Some days I feel it.

Through my hair. Around my waist.

Some days I hear it.

Roaring laughter.

Some days I see it.

Forced smiles and empty waves.

Some Days I smell it.

Fragrant, Nostalgic, Safe.

Some days I fear it.

Snarling, ready to smite.

Today I finally understand it.

As I frantically tried to piece it together.

It cut. It bled.

Why won’t it even matter to him if I am dead?


the fact is that only I know the full magnitude of what you are going through. But that does not mean you treat me like shit knowing that no matter what happens i am always there for you. I understand we all show love and concern in different ways. Shouting and sarcasm maybe yours but why abuse? I am not disobeying you or undermining your authority by disconnecting the phone. It’s unfortunate that you feel that way. I wish god takes all the love I have for you and only gives you happiness. But please don’t shower me with negativity and abuse like you have today. I have a long way to go, if you cannot be by my side, that’s perfectly fine. But don’t try and cut my legs, too? Take care pooch. i really wish one day you will see that you have never had and never will have anything to fear.

For a change

It seems like this is a vent-vault of all our negativity.
Of all my insecurities with us and a few of yours too.

But for a change, I’d like to write about the good stuff, because no matter how much we try to look at the wrong side of this relationship, the good isn’t just good, it’s great.

I loved this house, I love it more. I love how the universe works. How you and me, complete strangers 10 years ago, were somehow placed in the same vicinity of each other. Each living our independent lives, oblivious of the fact that one day our paths will cross and for a while or maybe more – be the same.
I wake up every morning and like clockwork – go to the kitchen, open up the windows, grab a glass of water and look at your bedroom window – whisper good morning, i love you and begin my day. It doesn’t matter if you’re physically there or not, it’s my ritual and at the risk of sounding nuts – my prayer.

I love that 4 years and some months later, my heart and tummy still somersault the first time I see you in the day – even if we’ve been lying down next to each other the whole night.

Science may scream Oxytocin but I beg to differ science, it’s love. You’ll know when you have what I do – a handsome, strong, part-wolf, part-bear, part-eagle, part-lion, part-warrior of a man. You’ll agree with me when this man, deep asleep, subconsciously looks for you in his bed, pulls you closer, tight and kisses whatever body part of you he finds and lets out a warm breath of satisfaction. Don’t even think about getting near my man, Science.

I love you proving me wrong, I love how your eyes fire up passionately when you know you’ve got something on me/you know you’re right/ you’ve won.

Sometimes, when we’re doing routine things – buying groceries, watching tv, reading, cooking or doing chores, I catch myself praying – like I am the luckiest woman on the planet.

I love how intense you are – although it does come to bite me often, but it also bites me in the sexiest ways.

I love how you grab all of me, pin me down and thrust into me, announcing to the universe that in that moment my body is your ship, my captain.

I love how much children, dogs and innocent things are attracted to you and how much at ease you are with them. I love your conversations.

I love how much you stick to your guns – at the risk of me being shot now and then yes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love every contour of your face, your body – the warmth of your breath, your voice, your being. I love how hard you get inside me. I love how my body is always warm and ready for you.

I love how much you make me smile – but I love even more how much you make me laugh!

I love the many curves and angles that make up your body, my hands and fingers make maps and memorize every line, hair, fold and muscle.

I love how your eyes gaze into me when you’re about to orgasm – you look me right in the eye and that’s where I will, we will always, always prove science Wrong.

I know you’re afraid – so am I but please don’t let the fear of tomorrow trample upon the good that is today. While I write this, you are fast asleep in the room next door. And I am writing this and praying, praying that may most of our days be like today – full of love, peace and immense joy.

If I could rewrite your past, I would. Even if it meant you and I probably wouldn’t have met. I love you – Happy New Year, my Universe.

I hope this year is yours – I hope this year, you get to move forward – and don’t you worry about anything at all, I’ve got your back. I always will.